Eloquent Body Read online

  ELOQUENT BODY

  DAWN GARISCH

  ELOQUENT BODY

  Also by Dawn Garisch

  Not Another Love Story

  Stoning the Tree

  Babyshoes

  Once, Two Islands

  Trespass

  Difficult Gifts

  Publication © Modjaji Books 2012

  Copyright © Dawn Garisch 2012

  First published in 2012 by Modjaji Books PTY Ltd

  P O Box 385, Athlone, 7760, South Africa

  [email protected]

  http://modjaji.book.co.za

  www.modjajibooks.co.za

  ISBN 978-1-920397-39-5

  Cover artwork: Katherine Glenday

  Cover design: Nicola Glenday

  Book design: Natascha Mostert and Life is Awesome Design Studio.

  Thanks to publishers and authors who gave permission for quotes. Details in Endnotes.

  Printed and bound by Mega Digital, Cape Town

  Set in Palatino

  For Luke and Jon

  Contents

  Introduction

  PART ONE

  Talking to Myself Across the Table

  1. The Science and the Poetry of the Body

  2. Dancing to the Whistling

  3. The Story of Our Lives

  4. The Psyche Doesn't Speak English

  5. The Wounded Healer

  PART TWO

  Fear: The Guardian with Two Faces

  6. The Body is a Big Hook

  7. The Valley of the Shadow

  8. Of Detectives and Gardeners

  9. On the Fear of Failure

  10. Rhyme or Reason – Fear's Role in the Brain/body

  11. Not Waving, but Drowning

  12. Denial, Deception and Illusion

  13. Physician, Heal Thyself

  Interlude

  14. Travels in the Eloquent Body

  PART THREE

  Tracking the Truth

  15. To Trust or not to Trust

  16. Instruments of Truth-finding

  17. Tracking the Truth as a Scientist

  18. Buying Health, Trading in Illness

  19. Seeing and Believing

  20. Sickness and Health

  21. Truth and the Artist

  22. Truth-finding Tools of the Artist

  23. Sharpening the Tools

  PART FOUR

  Heal Thyself

  24. Non-Medicinal Ways to Loosen Torment

  25. Dealing with the Inner Critic and the Daimon

  26. Of Creativity, Connections and Healing

  27. Image and Imagination

  28. Going to Source

  29. Adequate Images

  30. Image and the Body

  31. Working with Image

  32. In Service

  33. The World in a Grain of Sand

  34. Living in the Crocodile's Mouth

  35. Recapturing the Original Plan

  36. Changing the End of the Story

  37. Of Knives and Glue

  38. Endings

  End notes

  Acknowledgements

  Introduction

  My heart has been speaking; so I have been taking notes

  Geoffrey Godbert1

  A few years ago, I found myself up all night, as though with a new-born. Every time I started dropping off, another thought arrived, demanding that I commit it to paper. I knew that if I left the ideas till morning, they were unlikely to survive. So I pushed myself upright again and again, scribbling on the closest paper at hand – a prescription pad from work. In the morning, wanting to transcribe what had arrived in the night, I could hardly read the notes. The muse's handwriting looks just like a doctor's.

  The Great Healer of the Arts had prescribed a cure for what Richard Ford called the commotion in his chest and Virginia Woolf called a wave in the mind, otherwise known as the itch that can only be scratched by a fountain pen on paper.

  The previous day, a call for applications for grants for non-fiction work had arrived in my inbox. It attracted my full attention. Life had thrown this across my track. A work of non-fiction would allow me to pursue the concerns of my novels -how to integrate the personal and the political, character and context, the use and abuse of power, old ways of being and new ways, the rational and irrational, desire and restraint. It would give me the space to explore the many other splits that I experience both within myself and within society, for I am a doctor and a novelist, a scientist and a dancer, a researcher and a poet. Sometimes they are suspicious and uneasy bedfellows.

  My whole adult life I have been gathering material about the body, unconscious drives, illness, creative capacities, and how they intersect. This book, I realised, would be a place to set it all down, and to investigate the subjects further. In addition, I was frustrated by the limitations of what I am able to do as a doctor and excited by my discoveries as a writer. It became clear to me that if I were to act in the best interests of my patients – of people in general – this book was the way to proceed.

  ***

  As a medical doctor and a writer, I have lived a split life for many years. Slowly, very slowly, I am changing from a doctor who writes into a writer who doctors. They are the two legs of my working life, and I am merely shifting my weight from one to the other. It feels right. I feel on track.

  Over the years, this dual and parallel life has afforded me glimpses into the complexities of human behaviour in general, and also into the heart of my own condition. I am fascinated and concerned by the trends I see.

  In the consulting room patients frequently come to me complaining of conditions that are self-inflicted. Many want a quick fix, rather than to attend to the aspects of their lives that are untenable. They are anxious, and unwilling to pay attention to their bodies. In running writing workshops, I have discovered how fearful people are of applying themselves to those things they yearn to do. I have had to find ways to assist myself and others with creative conflicts. In addition, I have a chronic illness which has forced me into the position of a patient.

  Anxiety is a part of the human condition. It is to an extent innate – a normal stage of development – as we can see when an infant is handed from a parent to a stranger. We call this separation anxiety and, if it is managed well by the caregiver, the baby learns to feel secure. Anxiety is also a product of our time and the way we live – high density living, pollution, deadlines, worries about climate change, the economy and crime rates. We all have to develop strategies to deal with our fear so that we are not overwhelmed or even paralysed.

  We think of ourselves as rational, logical creatures. Ours is an age of science. Yet our behaviour often contradicts logic. We live mythical lives in parallel with our physiological ones, yet we do not understand the stories, symptoms and symbols that are spliced into our flesh: the body as repository for legend and memory and dream; the body as stage or as battleground for feuding narratives; the body as foreign country to be invaded, conquered and subdued, or approached with curiosity and respect; the body as a guide and friend, assisting us, or as an enemy which obstructs our plans and dreams.

  We think of the enemy as ‘out there’, but we often act in ways that are not in our own best interests. We are strangers to ourselves, shielded from our true natures, our desires and abilities, by self-deception, denigration and the fabrications of our time.

  ***

  Eloquent Body is a place where the two streams of my life converge. They have been heading for this point in place and time for years; for years I have been preparing to write this manuscript without my knowing it. The book is a contribution to the pool of ideas and works that aims to find out who we are, and why we are here. It examines the drive towards life as it manifests in the body, in illness and in the
creative act. It looks at how we can determine what we can trust and suggests ways of developing a partnership with ourselves, which axiomatically includes not abusing the very ground that we live off and stand on.

  I imagine there was a time when everyone around the fire was encouraged to participate in imaginative and creative acts – to dance, sing, tell stories, make music, or draw in the sand. I imagine a time when people took note of their physical and political selves as an essential part of their survival. We have become spectators, rather than participants. We watch TV, film and sport, most of the time not even leaving our homes to do so. We think only professionals know enough and are good enough to do or to make. We are even observers when it comes to politics, no longer involving ourselves in civic life, and leaving meaningful decisions and protest up to those we vote for or employ.

  The body, health and creativity appear to have been abdicated by individuals and co-opted by professionals and commerce. This book investigates why we have allowed this to happen, and how it is detrimental, not only to human beings, but also to the earth. It will look at the strengths and weaknesses of the decision-making tools available to us.

  The first section gives a personal account of how both my own illness and my son's accident forced me to reconsider, fundamentally, my understanding of myself, my body and how the world works. From the perspective of a medical practitioner and an artist, I contrast the different rational and non-rational strategies we employ to manage our lives. In illustrating the endemic attitudes of disregard and abuse we have towards the physical homes of our bodies and of the earth, I emphasise how essential it is to pay both consequential and non-rational attention to the distress flares of illness and injury.

  The second section looks at the roles fear, anxiety and self-deception play in impeding our best efforts as I have encountered them in the consulting room and in the studio, with the body as a central motif. I illustrate how those with vested interests encourage our disconnection and fear in order to sell us a product or a way of living in both the economic and political spheres of life. I set down what psychological theory and neuroscience have to say about fear, and illustrate how our anxiety management plans often tend to make things worse. It seems that we sometimes trust where we should not, and do not trust where we should.

  The third contrasts the methods scientists and artists use to investigate the truth, and looks at how these approaches can help us. It also looks at why these approaches are seemingly incompatible and often give very different answers.

  In the fourth section, I suggest that we need to develop better strategies to deal with anxiety – ones that lead to better care both for ourselves and the planet. I will present a way forward, derived from the modern confluence of neuroscience, psychology and art.

  ***

  I was born into a family and a culture where it was deemed essential to know where one was heading. I belong to a healing profession where the training harnesses knowledge and skills in the service of diagnosis and cure. These are worthy goals, yet I have come to appreciate another way of living – that of process. As a writer, I have learnt that the journey will provide information that will influence the destination. As a doctor, I have witnessed both the invaluable strengths and the shortcomings of medicine as it is currently practised, also how non-rational interventions can provide relief in surprising ways. As a patient I have come to understand that the body has an intelligence that is not accessible at present through science. Reading this text will not be like boarding a train, settling down as the stations tickertape by in a predictable sequence, and then disembarking at a prearranged destination. There are aspects of science and art that have fascinated and assisted me, and I have some strongly held ideas that I intend to put down, but I will leave the door open for related material to interrupt what I know, and to intervene and upset where I think I am going.

  The writer and explorer, W. H. Murray, had this to say:

  Concerning all acts of Initiative (and creation) there Is one elementary truth, the Ignorance of which kills countless Ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.2

  The day after I received the invitation to apply for a grant, I began to write the proposal. In the far distance I heard a rumble. It could have been warning of an avalanche, a rapid sequence of crushing failures – my best intentions laid waste, but I suspected it was a stampede of angels, hurrying to assist me.

  ***

  PART ONE

  Talking to Myself Across the Table

  1. The Science and the Poetry of the Body

  The Paradox of Life: A bit beyond perception's reach I sometimes believe I see that Life is two locked boxes, each containing the other's key.

  Piet Hein3

  The World Health Organisation's definition of health, which has not been amended since 1948, is ‘a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity’. This is a goal and, as with many goals, it is formulated from good intentions, but is inadequate, even misguided. Life is not a fixed state, but a dynamic process which is taking place on numerous fronts simultaneously.

  How do we know whether we are ‘in tune’ with ourselves? How do we know what our bodies and our lives want of us? The ‘sick’ part of ourselves might be the healthy part which is trying to get us to change the way we live. We frequently behave as though our lives, like our bodies, are there for us to do with what we please, like vehicles we drive around in until they are ready for the scrap heap. Instead, we could regard ourselves as caretakers and co-authors of the story of our lives.

  Over and above the advice of our health consultants, there is a part of us that knows what is good or right for our wellbeing and our passage. This aspect of body or the unconscious attempts to correct us when we are off course. If we pay respectful attention, the corrective can feel like a compass that guides our ship on its journey, but if we rudely ignore the gentle reminders, we might be rudely coerced to take note.

  Our bodies provide information constantly. Fortunately for us, most of that information is picked up and acted on below our radar screens. We don't have to remember to breathe or to adjust our pH level. But some information – like painful joints if we are overweight – needs our attention and engagement in order to correct the situation.

  One of the tasks of life is to learn how to care for ourselves. If we treat our physical and emotional selves as machines, or as wayward children or slaves that we have to whip back into place, our bodies are not going to love us for it. Our symptoms, to an extent, provide feedback as to how we are doing – messages that we are sometimes deaf to, or choose to medicate into silence. When the messenger knocks at the door and we ignore her for long enough, she may give up and we become stuck, or she could become furious or frantic, and break the door down, with catastrophic implications for our health.

  Illness can be a signpost pointing in a direction we have been avoiding for years.

  ***

  The ophthalmologist told me to rest my chin on the support and press my forehead against the bar to keep my head still. ‘Look at the top of my right ear, ’ he instructed. Then he shone the astonishingly bright light into my eye. It was like looking into the sun – something I had been told as a child never to do. My body wanted to cringe away from this assault, my eyelids wanted to close. It was nauseating. But my will kept me sitting still, staring through the light in the vague direction of the doctor's ear.

  ‘You know, you may be right, ’ he exclaimed. Those words burned themselves into my memory. I can even remember his tone of voice.

  For some weeks I had been visiting the eye outpatient department at Groote Schuur Hospital, complaining about a cloud swirling in my sight. The eye specialist had reassured me that all I had was a couple of floaters, which were not in themselves a symptom of illness, and which are common in the general population. He had smiled at me benignly, noting that I was a medical student. Medical students tend
to get all kinds of phantom or sympathetic illnesses as they work their way through the curriculum and the wards. This would happen to me too – an ear infection during the ear, nose and throat section of the curriculum, a urinary tract infection while studying urology, anxiety while participating in the day clinic as part of my psychiatry education.

  But that day, concerned about my deteriorating vision, I had returned to be examined again, and the ophthalmologist had believed me. That was what it felt like: I had finally persuaded the expert that I was not making this up.

  The ophthalmologist diagnosed an autoimmune disease. As an eighteen-year-old second-year medical student I had never heard of such an illness. It is familial in that it is carried by the HLA-B27 gene down the generations, but all my mother and sister had ever complained about was a bit of arthritis in the lower back. I was a reader, writer and a student studying beautiful histopathology slides through microscopes, and I was in danger of losing my sight.

  My own immune cells, whose assignment it is to defend me against invasion by foreign objects and organisms, have somehow muddled their brief. They mistake the cells of my own body as foreign, rally the forces and attack the connective tissues in my eyes and spine. The inflammation that results causes pain and stiffness in my back and damages my vision.

  A serious own goal. In fact, a series of ongoing own goals with no intervention from the coach. Why on earth would my immunity do that? Even now, thirty-five years later, we know very little about the autoimmune conditions. An unhelpful offering from my specialist was that a third of people with my illness get better, a third grumble on much the same with patchy vision, and a third deteriorate.

  No-one could tell me into which third I would fall. No-one could advise me whether to prepare for a life of seriously impaired sight, or to carry right on as though this was just a minor pothole in an otherwise straight road.